You Can Suck It

You know, I really hate that some people seem to think I don't deserve the life I have.

Yeah, I like to treat myself. So?

Just because you don't take the time to give yourself a little TLC doesn't mean you should bring me down because I take time to nurish myself.

So you can suck it.

I do FULLY realize that I am priviledged. But guess what? I do A LOT for others.

I volunteer A LOT of time.

Please tell me when you've asked for my help and I said no.

I teach drama for an hour to middle school kids.

How many people do that for free?

I put in a full shift at a store for NO pay.

Have you ever done that?

I do jobs at a theater company that most get paid for.

I don't.

So you know what?

YOU CAN SUCK IT!

I lived for 18 years in complete hell.

So yeah, now that I'm independant and on my own, I'm going to enjoy it.

So I'm sorry I'm so lucky, you could be do if you just took some time.

Knowing.

Knowing is a lot different from guessing, thinking, wondering.

I know now,

he loves me,

and it's amazing.

In 3 days it will be a month,

a month that will turn into many, many more.

The Way of the Wild Horses

Oh to be free. 

All I want is to disappear. 

Go some place where no one knows my name. 

Be someone else. Someone better. 

Maybe then, I'll finally be worth something to someone. 

Today I took a step backwards and made a phone call. 

I wanted to talk to someone who had a spirit like mine. 

Someone who hated being comfortable. 

Committed. 

Here is what he told me. 

"You, like me, my dear are meant to go the way of the wild horses. Always moving never settling down." 

He made a valid point. 

I started to think about how great it would be just to go, be gone. 

Start fresh, somewhere new, maybe make a new identity.

A place where I didn't have to be me. 

Someone better. 

1.2.3.

Whoa. 

Just whoa. 

Is there a pause button? Can someone please press it? 

It's funny how things tend to hit you all at once.

#1 

I wish he was here. He would know what to say, what to do. 

But he's not here, Luke is not here. 

#2

Forgiveness. 

I can forgive anyone for anything. Except the person I should probably forgive the most. 

My father.

He's done so much to make my life hell. 

He's the reason I hate myself, why I always feel like I'm never good enough for anyone. 

Because I was never good enough for him. 

He's the reason it's so hard for me to trust. 

Even the people who I know I can trust, I still don't. I don't trust anyone. I'm sorry. 

#3

My mind was made up. 

I was done with the bullshit.

I was done missing someone who never realized what they had. 

It looked like you stopped caring, like you were done and had turned your back. 

And just as I was ready to turn and walk away, there you are. 

A hand on my shoulder. 

So now what? Huh?

Are you gonna say anything? 

I already laid my cards on the table it's your turn to deal. 

I gave up on you. 

Give me a reason not to. 

Candles & Music

It's funny how one moment of your life can put everything in perspective. 

I went to church today as I do every Sunday and had a wake up call. 

It was God saying "Stop, just stop."

I realized that my eyes were open but I wasn't seeing. 

I was too busy focused on all that I didn't have, all that I wanted and all that I was missing, to see all of the wonderful blessings that I already had. 

So I made a promise to myself. 

When I get negative, I'm going to stop, breathe and do a blessings check. 

Which shouldn't be hard since I have some of the GREATEST blessings in the world. 

I need to quit waiting for the floor to come out from under me and just enjoy NOW. 

Because if you wait for something bad to happen, guess what? Something bad will happen. 

So I turned off the lights, lit some candles, ran a bath and turned on my "Relax" playlist. 

I just soaked and took a deep breathe thinking of all the things that make my life so wonderful. 

Come to find out I have quite a bit, and most of it has to do with my friends. You guys are FRIGGIN amazing!!! I love you all so much and you truly make my life SO special. So thank you!!! :) 

But yeah, everything is in perspective. 

I have God, my family & friends. 

How can I fail? 

The Night is When it Hurts the Most

I miss you. 

I miss you so much it hurts me physically.

It makes me sick.  

Especially now when I have never needed you so much. 

I need your wisdom, your God honest opinion and guidance in my life. 

It hurts to think of all the things you're missing. 

I wish you were here. 

I get angry sometimes, angry that I can't fill the void. 

(Wow, "Address in the Stars" just came on CMT) 

Great, now I'll cry. 

She left me, I have no one to share your memory with now. 

Sometimes I worry if I can hold on to it. 

Please come back, I need you, I miss you, it hurts. 

There is so much I want to tell you, ask you. 

I want to hold your hand, breathe you in, embrace you one last time. 

But I can't because you're gone. 

Sometimes I pretend that it was all a cruel joke, that you're still here waiting for me somewhere. I know it's not true, but I hope, I dream. 

The night is when it hurts the most, when I'm alone. 

What do I do with all I need to say? 

So much I want to tell you everyday. 

Oh it breaks my heart, I cry these tears in the dark. 

I write these letters to you but they get lost in the blue. 

Cause there's no address in the stars. 

This song haunts me because it's my song to you. Tonight when I was driving home, it came on. My mind instantly became flooded and so did my eyes. 

October is coming, and I'm not ready. 

I need you. 

I miss you. 

Give & Take

Gah, 

I try so hard to not let things get to me. 

I try to shake it all off and just keep going. 

But recently something just keeps getting shoved in my face, 

My willingness to give. 

I never realized how eager I am to give so much of my self, time & money for others. 

That's how it should be though right?

Really? Then why is it when I am asking someone for their self, time or money they all of the sudden can't help or be there for me? 

I GIVE & GIVE & GIVE & GIVE & GIVE 

and everyone around my just TAKES, TAKES, TAKES, TAKES, TAKES ,TAKES, TAKES, TAKES, TAKES, TAKES, TAKES, TAKES, TAKES, TAKES, TAKES, TAKES, TAKES, TAKES, TAKES, TAKES and oh yeah TAKES. 

You know what people? You can only GIVE so much and get NOTHING back for so long until you stop wanting to give. 

I have stopped wanting to give, I feel selfish and gross but all I can think is "What's the point? You do everything for everyone around you only to get NOTHING in return." 

I really HATE that I now base my giving on getting. I shouldn't feel this way, but that's what being taking advantage of does to you. 

So ask yourself, have you taken advantage of me? 

Thought "Oh Kat will pay for me." or "Kat will do it and I won't have to pay her back. " 

Guess what kids, PAY UP. 

I'll continue to give, it's who I am. I'll always be there to lend a hand. 

All I ask is maybe you pay me back, it doesn't have to be money. Just maybe an enthusiastic "Thank You!" a card, a letter, anything. 

It hurts to think that those closest to me would purposefully take advantage of me, and I am not accusing anyone of doing so. 

I'm just letting you know, that lately I feel very used. 

P.S.

  This by no means, means that you shouldn't ask me for anything if you need something. I LOVE to help, all I'm asking is that you just take a second to return the favor :)