Knowing.

Knowing is a lot different from guessing, thinking, wondering.

I know now,

he loves me,

and it's amazing.

In 3 days it will be a month,

a month that will turn into many, many more.

The Way of the Wild Horses

Oh to be free. 

All I want is to disappear. 

Go some place where no one knows my name. 

Be someone else. Someone better. 

Maybe then, I'll finally be worth something to someone. 

Today I took a step backwards and made a phone call. 

I wanted to talk to someone who had a spirit like mine. 

Someone who hated being comfortable. 

Committed. 

Here is what he told me. 

"You, like me, my dear are meant to go the way of the wild horses. Always moving never settling down." 

He made a valid point. 

I started to think about how great it would be just to go, be gone. 

Start fresh, somewhere new, maybe make a new identity.

A place where I didn't have to be me. 

Someone better. 

1.2.3.

Whoa. 

Just whoa. 

Is there a pause button? Can someone please press it? 

It's funny how things tend to hit you all at once.

#1 

I wish he was here. He would know what to say, what to do. 

But he's not here, Luke is not here. 

#2

Forgiveness. 

I can forgive anyone for anything. Except the person I should probably forgive the most. 

My father.

He's done so much to make my life hell. 

He's the reason I hate myself, why I always feel like I'm never good enough for anyone. 

Because I was never good enough for him. 

He's the reason it's so hard for me to trust. 

Even the people who I know I can trust, I still don't. I don't trust anyone. I'm sorry. 

#3

My mind was made up. 

I was done with the bullshit.

I was done missing someone who never realized what they had. 

It looked like you stopped caring, like you were done and had turned your back. 

And just as I was ready to turn and walk away, there you are. 

A hand on my shoulder. 

So now what? Huh?

Are you gonna say anything? 

I already laid my cards on the table it's your turn to deal. 

I gave up on you. 

Give me a reason not to. 

Candles & Music

It's funny how one moment of your life can put everything in perspective. 

I went to church today as I do every Sunday and had a wake up call. 

It was God saying "Stop, just stop."

I realized that my eyes were open but I wasn't seeing. 

I was too busy focused on all that I didn't have, all that I wanted and all that I was missing, to see all of the wonderful blessings that I already had. 

So I made a promise to myself. 

When I get negative, I'm going to stop, breathe and do a blessings check. 

Which shouldn't be hard since I have some of the GREATEST blessings in the world. 

I need to quit waiting for the floor to come out from under me and just enjoy NOW. 

Because if you wait for something bad to happen, guess what? Something bad will happen. 

So I turned off the lights, lit some candles, ran a bath and turned on my "Relax" playlist. 

I just soaked and took a deep breathe thinking of all the things that make my life so wonderful. 

Come to find out I have quite a bit, and most of it has to do with my friends. You guys are FRIGGIN amazing!!! I love you all so much and you truly make my life SO special. So thank you!!! :) 

But yeah, everything is in perspective. 

I have God, my family & friends. 

How can I fail? 

The Night is When it Hurts the Most

I miss you. 

I miss you so much it hurts me physically.

It makes me sick.  

Especially now when I have never needed you so much. 

I need your wisdom, your God honest opinion and guidance in my life. 

It hurts to think of all the things you're missing. 

I wish you were here. 

I get angry sometimes, angry that I can't fill the void. 

(Wow, "Address in the Stars" just came on CMT) 

Great, now I'll cry. 

She left me, I have no one to share your memory with now. 

Sometimes I worry if I can hold on to it. 

Please come back, I need you, I miss you, it hurts. 

There is so much I want to tell you, ask you. 

I want to hold your hand, breathe you in, embrace you one last time. 

But I can't because you're gone. 

Sometimes I pretend that it was all a cruel joke, that you're still here waiting for me somewhere. I know it's not true, but I hope, I dream. 

The night is when it hurts the most, when I'm alone. 

What do I do with all I need to say? 

So much I want to tell you everyday. 

Oh it breaks my heart, I cry these tears in the dark. 

I write these letters to you but they get lost in the blue. 

Cause there's no address in the stars. 

This song haunts me because it's my song to you. Tonight when I was driving home, it came on. My mind instantly became flooded and so did my eyes. 

October is coming, and I'm not ready. 

I need you. 

I miss you. 

Give & Take

Gah, 

I try so hard to not let things get to me. 

I try to shake it all off and just keep going. 

But recently something just keeps getting shoved in my face, 

My willingness to give. 

I never realized how eager I am to give so much of my self, time & money for others. 

That's how it should be though right?

Really? Then why is it when I am asking someone for their self, time or money they all of the sudden can't help or be there for me? 

I GIVE & GIVE & GIVE & GIVE & GIVE 

and everyone around my just TAKES, TAKES, TAKES, TAKES, TAKES ,TAKES, TAKES, TAKES, TAKES, TAKES, TAKES, TAKES, TAKES, TAKES, TAKES, TAKES, TAKES, TAKES, TAKES, TAKES and oh yeah TAKES. 

You know what people? You can only GIVE so much and get NOTHING back for so long until you stop wanting to give. 

I have stopped wanting to give, I feel selfish and gross but all I can think is "What's the point? You do everything for everyone around you only to get NOTHING in return." 

I really HATE that I now base my giving on getting. I shouldn't feel this way, but that's what being taking advantage of does to you. 

So ask yourself, have you taken advantage of me? 

Thought "Oh Kat will pay for me." or "Kat will do it and I won't have to pay her back. " 

Guess what kids, PAY UP. 

I'll continue to give, it's who I am. I'll always be there to lend a hand. 

All I ask is maybe you pay me back, it doesn't have to be money. Just maybe an enthusiastic "Thank You!" a card, a letter, anything. 

It hurts to think that those closest to me would purposefully take advantage of me, and I am not accusing anyone of doing so. 

I'm just letting you know, that lately I feel very used. 

P.S.

  This by no means, means that you shouldn't ask me for anything if you need something. I LOVE to help, all I'm asking is that you just take a second to return the favor :) 

I hate myself....a lot.

 My life. 

Hahahahahahahaha

Pointless? Probably

I just want ME back. 

I was so happy with myself, but something changed. I lost a piece of myself and I'm not quite sure how or even really what it was. 

I used to be such a badass, I used to have it all together, I knew what I was doing, where I was going, who was beside me and I had life planned/ not planned out. 

But now, everything is up in the air. Cattywampuss. 

I was supposed to go to college: I didn't 

I was supposed to play an instrument: I don't 

I was supposed to find someone: I haven't 

I was supposed to change: I'm the same

I know what you're thinking:

"Kat you can easily change those things!" 

My reply: 

"Oh my God REALLY?! You have changed my life and offered words of wisdom quite beyond my years. Thank you, thank you! One thing, will you do me a favor? Kindly F*$K OFF!" 

Seriously? You think? If it was all SO easy I would have done it by now. But something keeps holding me back. God? Fear? Lazyness? All three? Who knows? 

All I know is that if something doesn't give I'm not quite sure how much longer I can take being me. 

I hate myself. 

The Other Side

Okay, 

So recently I have been depressed, frustrated and just plan tired of my life. I was ready for it all to just be over. But thank God for my wonderful friends and all the blessings they bring upon me. I have the most amazing individuals surrounding me, supporting me and who I know I can always count on. I don't know how or why I let my mind get so muddy with negativity. I lost focus for a second on who I am, what I do and the glory of God. I almost messed up everything. I even for a nano second considered making the BIGGEST mistake of my life and let go of someone who means so very much to me and that I love dearly, all because I didn't want him to have to deal with my mess. I forgot though, that with my best friend he's always right there with me. He wants to see me through. It still blows my mind and I'm pretty sure that I still don't fully comprehend it but I know with all my heart that I would do the same for him. I thank God everyday for him and the rest of my support team who have been so wonderful for me and keep me off the ground. I know I'll never hit rock bottom as long as they're around. 

Thank you guys for seeing me through to the other side. All is better because I know that with a little will power, prayer and positive thinking there is always a new day. I also know that I have the BEST friends a girl could ask for. Have faith, never lose hope and ALWAYS love. 

Ashlee: Thank you for being my comic relief. Together we make up this force and this energy that everyone sees and wishes they had. We truly are a dynamic duo and you have been so wonderful with my CM problems because you've been there and I have no clue what I would do without you. Your my lucky charm and partner in crime. I love you girly!  

Audrey: No one gets how we are friends, and even I wonder why sometimes... But I know its because you are truly a good person with a heart a gold who in the end knows the right thing to do. Thank you for being the voice of reason in my nano second of insanity. And I quote "You would be making the biggest mistake of your life, I won't let you." You sometimes say exactly what I need to hear. Thanks for always being there. I love you. 

Michael: I can't even begin to tell you what you've done for me. You keep me sane and have just been this amazing example of love and light. You are the person who I know I can always count on, you've been my shoulder to cry on (which has not been easy) and my hand to hold. You keep me from falling and I owe you the world, the moon, the stars, everything a million times over. At times I feel unworthy and undeserving but you're standing right there to tell me that's crap and to shut up. You sir, are my hero. Plain and simple. I LOVE YOU!!! 

Thank you guys. I don't know what I would do without you. :)  

Stick a knife in me, I'm done.

 I always said I would and I did. I cut you loose and let you go. It's been so hard on me because in the back of my mind I still think you need me but if you needed me you would have made me a bigger part of your life or at least had tried more. So that's it, I'm done. Part of me thought you'd care more, part of me thought that you would fight for me. But you haven't said a word, maybe you just haven't noticed that I have deleted you but I have. I hate the pain, I hate to dwell, so I do what I do best. Push it all down and throw myself into something else. I refuse to let you make me feel useless anymore, I refuse to let you make me cry. I just hate to feel, so I'll push through and simply forget about it. 

Stick a knife in me, I'm done. 

Breakeven

I can't do it anymore. 

I just can't. 

Having to listen all about your new life while I'm left here in the dust. 

Feeling...

insignificant, left behind, hurt, and stupid. 

I'm sorry, I really don't want to hurt you, and who knows if my absence will even make a difference? Maybe you won't even feel anything when I tell you. When I look you in the eye and finally say the words to set me free. 

"I just can't do this anymore." 

Then I'll leave, it's what I'm good at. 

Anyway, 

I'm sorry, 

but I'm out. 

This Week

I had a super awesome week. It was good because I really needed it, after the last couple weeks I just needed some time with some awesome people to make things feel normal again. Monday and Tuesday were pretty slow, but good. Got tan, read some books, did laundry. You know good stuff. Wednesday Ashlee and I went to sushi which of course was SO GOOD! Then Thursday we went to Sea World and had an AMAZING time. We got tattoos, freed animals, laughed at people getting drunk in line, wore sexy ponchos and spent time with a cool family. We got passes so we can live there this summer! EXCITING! :-) Then Improv class which is always great. During class I got a phone call from Brodie Kaster which was exciting because I hadn't talked to him in FOREVER and I really miss him. He's coming to my show! I am so stoked! Friday was good, Ash and I went shopping for hoedown outfits, we both got perfect ones! Then I had rehearsal which was good, I got to see my dress and it's GORGEOUS! I look so pretty for once! LoL, I had to learn the ballroom dance which sucked because we had to do it 10 billion times. After rehearsal I took my sister food, she was dying and needed me to take care of her. Which I was more than happy to do because she always takes care of me. So I brought her food and we watched a movie, you know sister time. Saturday I had to get up early for rehearsal, ugh, it was a good rehearsal though we got a lot done. Then I ran some errands with my mom. Came home to get ready for the hoedown with Ash, Ashley Jones and my new friend Jon White (LOVE him!) I was asked to bring a bail of hay to the shindig because you know, I'm all ranchy and what not. I also brought a steer head and some ropes. Then because I had my laptop full of country music I somehow turned into the DJ, as well as dance instructor, Ashlee and I taught everyone how to do the "Hoedown Throwdown" dance then I also got wrangled into teaching everyone how to rope. I was SO exhausted, for some reason EVERYONE and their mom (literally) wanted to learn how to throw the rope. Then in the parking lot I got to show off a little by using my expert heeler skills and rope both John Power and Taylor Wuthridge's feet while they were walking. (Oh yeah, I'm pro skill, I might start rodeoing again. Who knows?) John Power was actually quite good with the rope. He could throw it really well, that kid is so talented it kills me. My back hurts because I kept having to bend down to help the little kids with rope, and I got hit at least 10 times, but hey everyone really loved it so its all good :-). After the hoedown even though I was ready to pass out, I went to In - n - Out with Ashlee, Ashley Jones, Jon White, Collin Arnold, The Gillcrests, Taylor Wuthridge, The Sonnikson sisters & Loxie Gant. Pretty much the greatest time EVER! We got some super great pictures! Anyway it was just awesome and I love my CYT friends, they are seriously the most awesome people and I really needed that night out with them. It was SO GREAT! So yep tommorrow I have church and rehearsal, then I'll probably go to my parent's house. I'm freaking out a little bit because next Saturday is Super Saturday and then TECH WEEK! So CRAZY! I'm excited to though. :-) It's going to be great, I know it! 

I'm working on it.

So I've started reading this book called Thirteen Reasons Why it's about a girl who kills herself and leaves behind 7 tapes, to be passed down between these 13 people, with 13 reasons why she decided to end her life. Each tape has a different story involving a different person and how each person had something to do with the next one that creates this huge web of horrible events that shaped this girl's life and the end of it. The narrator is this guy who doesn't even know why he received the tapes because he didn't do anything to this girl but he decides to listen to the tapes and see why she chose him to be on the list. I don't know why either I haven't gotten that far. But it's just interesting to see how each person lead to the next horrible thing to happen to her. It definitely makes you wonder how you affect people. Are you putting out a positive ripple or are you making someones life hell right now without even knowing it. Maybe you said something horrible about that person, not even to their face but someone else overheard and repeated it. Without even consciencely knowing it, you just affected someones impression of another, which can snowball. Weird right? It just gives you something to think about it.

 As most of you know or realized I've been going through a spell of depression. It has nothing to do with anything that has happened, no one said anything about me it was a mixture of things and I've just started to feel... well... worthless. I don't want to sound insecure but I started to feel like no one needed me. That my job here was done, that everyone around me found there place and had everything they needed to get through. I just wasn't one of those things. Then some other things occurred to me and I just started to feel depressed. I'm working through it though, I'm on the uphill. I just pray for strength, for sight, for me to be able to make through just one more day. So far so good. Music has played a HUGE part though, thank GOD for music. I have a playlist that I've been listening to, I play it at night and I fall asleep to it. It allows me to focus, to remember, to be...

THE playlist:

Like a Woman - Jamie O'Neal 

Here Comes Goodbye - Rascal Flatts 

I Told You So - Carrie Underwood 

Cry - Kelly Clarkson

The Climb - Miley Cyrus 

Don't Do Sadness/Blue Wind - Jr. John Gallagher & Lauren Pritchard 

Will I - RENT soundtrack 

Confessions of a Broken Heart - Lindsay Lohan 

Like We Never Loved At All (acoustic) - John Rich 

Don't Wanna Cry - Pete Yorn 

I Will Always Love You - Dolly Parton

( if you listen to this song, it's about leaving someone) 

Goodbye Love - RENT Soundtrack 

Man in the Mirror - Big & Rich 

Sober - Kelly Clarkson 

Free - Gavin DeGraw 

Hometown Glory - ADELE 

More Like Her - Miranda Lambert 

Don't You Dare - Alexz Johnson 

Wild Ponies - Kellie Pickler 

If You Don't Wanna Love Me (I'll find somebody else who will) - Cowboy Troy & Sarah Buxton 

Lost - Anouk 

Life Support - RENT soundtrack 

Once When I Was Little - James Morrison 

What Hurts the Most - Rascal Flatts 

Eternity - Big & Rich 

I Don't Know if I Should Stay - Alexz Johnson 

Each song has meaning or reminds me of a time that I can reflect on. Somethings I have been avoiding and these songs help me face them and really, truly think about my issues with certain things. Some songs though just help me remember a tough time in my life that I am trying so hard not fall back into. 

Thank You to those of you who have been SO supportive. I promise I'll be 100% soon. Me & God are working through this. 

Philippians 4:13 

Here Comes Goodbye

Here comes goodbye. 

Here comes the last time.

Here comes the start of every sleepless night, the first of every tear I'm gonna cry. 

Here comes the pain. 

Here comes me, wishing things had never changed, and you were right here in my arms tonight. 

But here comes goodbye. 

Good song. 

The End. 

Here you go.

I tried, I failed. 

So as I try to pull it all back in and move on, well its sucking BIG TIME. 

Whatevs, Let It Be. 

My weekend:

Friday:

I went to the Tom Sawyer parent meeting on, I'm going to be doing makeup, which is awesome because it means I get to hang out for tech week and the run of their show. It will be like I never left! I'm really excited to still be involved with Ash's last show. After the meeting Ashlee, Riley and I went to sushi and then went and saw "I Love You Man" it was funny. I really enjoyed be able to hang out with them together. :-) I was texting Ian while Ashlee was because I was pretending to be annoyed with him texting her during the movie, anyway we had a lil war. He won, only because I was off my game. Anyway later he told Ashlee he could see me being a lesbian. That really hurt my feelings because apparently a lot of people get a lesbo vibe from me just because I am not "girly" enough and I don't talk about boys all the time. Which I think is SO DUMB! Just because I'm not worrying 24/7 about the fact that I'm single and I don't wear makeup when I go out or wear cute little outfits, all the sudden I'm a lesbian? WTF?! I hate being labeled! But maybe I should change how I look and maybe I should start worrying about never meeting a man...

Saturday: 

I had rehearsal. It was fun, Patrick Gates is hysterical. Then I ended up taking my little cousin to Ceramic Cafe. I made a really cool vase and he painted a dragon, castle, thing. It's always really awkward hanging out with him, we have like nothing to talk about. I try to ask him questions about his life but he really doesn't have one. The kid has no friends, well he does, but not ones who would hang out with him outside of school. He doesn't have any hobbies besides video games, which isn't really his fault because he's like allergic to everything. Anyway we hung out and it wasn't horrible just awkward, we went to lunch then to Ceramic Cafe then I took him for some ice cream. It was cool, after that I took him home. I tried to hang out with my mom since I don't get to spend Sunday's with her anymore because of rehearsal but my Dad showed up... he ruins everything. I ended up getting a horrible headache that made me sick so I had to go home. I almost wrecked because the headlights of cars were bothering me so much. It made me cry it hurt so bad, I came home and went straight to bed. 

Sunday: 

I woke up this morning and went to church it was good, we're preparing for Holy Week. I am super siked my goal is to get Torrey to come to church for Easter, she WILL be coming! My angle is to remind her that Mary Kay was a christian, and Efrain already said he'd come. So yeah. Anyway then I had rehearsal, it went really well we actually got a bunch done. Katie said I was doing an amazing job, it was really nice to hear. Then I went to dinner with My mom, dad, my sister and her friend Desiree. It was cool, Torrey started ranting about how I should join Mary Kay again, I just nodded and ignored her. I've already told her like 12 times that I'm not interested. My dad somehow made every conversation about him, by asking random questions right in the middle of mine, Torrey's or my mother's stories. He is such a crack head. I almost punched him in the face like several times, I kind of wanted to just to see what would happen. I restrained myself though and chatted with Desiree, I like Dez she's really cool. It's funny because she is the polar opposite of my sister but they are like best friends. After dinner we all went our separate ways. Torrey invited me to go to her house and hang out with her and Dez, but I just wanted to be alone. Anyway, now I'm home and doing laundry. 

I hate my life, I really do. 

"Doing all I can to make things better, everything I can to get things right. Baby when you're with me it's a little more like heaven, here in my mind, here in my mind.

    I've been looking for so long to find this place I seek, and I just got to believe it's more than dream. Seems it's time I should move on but I hope you come with me, till we find eternity

    You just can't let this ol' world get us down, there's too much beauty in this life. It should be so perfect, we shouldn't know we made it to the other side, when we make it to the other side.

   I've been looking for so long to find this place I seek, and I just got to believe it's more than a dream. Seems it's time I should move on but I hope you come with me, till we find eternity."

      - John Rich & Kenny Alphin

I love this song. It's helping me get through the days, I know someday I'll find my eternity, one way or another. 

I don't like it.

Ever since THE INCIDENT I have tried so hard to keep everyone I love at arms distance. Then why have I let someone hurt me so bad again? Mostly I think I am angry with myself for being so stupid, so trusting, so loving. I blame me, the thing I hate most is feeling. I hate not being numb to the outside world, this one cut me deep enough to sting. The really sad thing is, I let it happen. I've had so many opportunities to turn away and leave it behind. But I'll never be able to fully turn my back on someone, cut all ties, because I've been there. I'll never put anyone through the pain I went through. So I have to just take it, I've come to expect it now which makes it somewhat easier but I still wince when it happens. Again I blame me, I hate myself for letting someone get so close. It makes me think twice about certain things I've done, if someone who has been my close friend for 10 yrs can do this...what is there to say about those who haven't? I hate thinking that way and I know everyone is different but it makes me wonder. I hate doubt, I hate it. I hate weakness too, I should really just cowboy up and deal with it, swallow everything and get on. I hate myself, but yet until the words are said, here I stay taking the hits. 

Quiet in My Town

Today was hard for a lot of people. 

I would be lying if I said that only today will be hard for them. 

You can say everything will be okay all you want, but for those people, okay is a long way away. 

I wasn't sad at first, I didn't know him all that well. But as I sat and thought about it, some things occurred to me. 

Someone lost their son today, their brother, their friend. 

That is when my heart broke, I know the unimaginable pain I would be in if anything were to happen to my sisters, my friends. 

My heart is heavy for those people, words cannot express how sorry I am that you have to be put through this. 

Sometimes the world seems so ugly, so cruel but we have to remember the beautiful things, the love. 

Everything will be okay, but it's going to be a long road to get there. 

To those who knew him well, I am so sorry and my heart and prayers are with you. 

If anything this reminds us all that time is a precious thing, and never to let a moment pass where "I love you" can be said. 

Again, my heart and prayers go out to Emilio's friends and family. 

R.I.P Emilio you will be missed by all. 

Because It's Nine in the Afternoon

Love Gives Someone The Power To Break You. 

Scary. 

Scary mostly because it's true. 

When you love someone you're taking a HUGE risk. 

The question you have to ask yourself is, 

is it worth it? 

If tomorrow it were to all fall apart, would you at least walk away knowing you're a better person because of them? 

If you can answer yes to that question, then jump. For the love of God jump. 

You may get your heart broken but at least you know that you have one. 

And it's the rough side of life that polishes us into smooth perfection. 

But if you never live the rough, you'll never be polished. 

You'll never have learned anything, you'll never have taken a "leap of faith". 

It's going to be hard, maybe the hardest thing you will have to do,

 but do it. 

It will pay off one way or another. 

Either you'll find that "ONE" or you'll have found the person that teaches you a lesson. 

If you look at it right, it's really a win, win. 

So go, take that leap, God would want you too. 

Or else I think the bible would have been a completely different story if it weren't for all of his followers who just had faith. 

HAVE FAITH. LOVE SOMEONE.

The End. 

Me

I'm the girl who hates to be left behind, but will never ask you to stay. 

I'm the girl who says "I'm fine." when I want to scream. 

I'm the girl who smiles all day but cries all night. 

I'm the girl who will push you away when I want to hold you close. 

I'm the girl who blares her music because I don't want to hear the world around me. 

I'm the girl who looks at the stars and wishes I was one of them. 

I'm the girl who walks along the beach with no shoes because I love the feeling of sand. 

I'm the girl who only has to give you one look. 

I'm the girl who seems approachable, but then you learn your in WAY over your head. 

I'm the girl who wants you to hold her hand, but will never ask you to. 

I'm the girl that pretends to be strong, because I am so weak. 

I'm the girl who will give you everything and ask for nothing in return. 

I'm the girl you wish you knew more about, but never will. 

I am me. 

Curse or Blessing?

Curse or blessing?

This is crazy, eating is almost impossible, If I eat before 11 am or after 3pm chances are its coming back up. Grrrrrrrrrr, I think I'm stressing too much about too many things. I'm having a hard time with some things but I just need to let it go and give it to God. I can do this, I gotta get through this. 

That reminds me...

If only I can get through this

If only I can get through this
If only I can get through this

God, God, you gotta help me get through this

I gotta get through this

I gotta get through this
I gotta make it, gotta make it, gotta make it through
Said I'm gonna get through this
Im gonna get through this
I gotta take, take my mind off you

LoL I couldn't resist ;-) 

P.S. Please don't worry, I'm fine, I promise :-) 

Uh oh

I haven't slept a full night in almost 2 weeks, I'm sitting here shivering and its 70 degrees in my apartment and I have socks, a thermal shirt and sweats on. I also have "tossed my cookies" at least 3 times since I got home, and at least 9 days out of the 2 weeks. Yep ladies and gentlemen I give you, me, trying to deal with something... the question is what is my problem now? I thought I dealt with it. What the hell? 

The funny thing about forgiveness.

So yesterday was Valentines Day, I sent a massive txt to all my friends and I immediately get one back. It's Ashton, "Yeah, Eff Valentines Day, we should have a Kat and Ashton day!" I sent him one back and said "We should!". We have plans for sometime next week, I went on with my day at rehearsal and while on stage it hit me. Wait a minute, shouldn't I dislike him? I did, for a really long time, but I forgave him. But why? He thoroughly messed up my life, I'm still trying to recover from being what I call "gun shy". Because of him I tend to have a "I'm going to F* this up at some point so I might as well jump ship now" attitude. But is that really his fault? Or is it mine? I began to think, maybe I'm weak. I'm a weak person, even after the hell I went through I still let him back into my life. Granted, I keep him at arms distance, and I only see him maybe once every two months, still I call him a friend again. Really Katelyn? Really? 

But then I came to this realization. 

  Yeah, I'm weak, I'm a forgiver, a lover. Whatever you want to call it, that's what I am. So what? I would rather let people hurt me then spend my life afraid of everybody. Now, for me that is WAY easier said then done. It may take like 5-10 years but I promise to work on it, or not, we'll see ;-) 

It's funny...

I went home today, I was worried about my little cousin and my uncle. Both of them had to go to the emergency room this week. 

  My uncle got so dehydrated that he didn't know where he was and was so delirious it took my mom, my aunts Nat and Val and my uncle Eric to convince/help him get in the car. 

  Sierra thought she was Evil Knieval on a snowboard, she just severely sprained her ankle.       Anyway I went home to make sure everyone was still alive and to visit the corgis (I miss them).

Everyone is fine, I sat and watched "Iron Chef" with my uncle Jeff, it still cracks me up that he loves that show. 

   Sierra was happy to see me because she can't lift her arms and was desperate for someone to do her hair. 

Then I played some games with Dustin, and did "The Time Warp" with him like 20 times. He loves that dance. We also found some of Sierra's hair extensions in the dress up box, I made Dustin into Britney Spears and we sang "Hit Me Baby One More Time" through tears from laughter. 

   I put one of the extensions in my hair and decided maybe I should do a blonde streak next I get my hair done.  

  It's always fun being the cool older cousin, Sierra got to gossip with me about her friends and I helped Dustin pick out his outfit for school tomorrow (apparently there's a new girl at school who's kinda cute). I love my cousins, and they look up to me, so it made me realize that I have to succeed and do something with my life. If not for me, at least for them.  

Today was good, I love my family, and it's so great to have them. 

  

If You Love Someone...

The hardest part of loving someone is often times you end up suffering imaginable heartbreak because you love them. 

When Luke died there was a poem they printed on his memorial pamphlet. It was called "Miss Me, but Let Me Go." No one knows who wrote it, and it's actually a very popular poem that they use. I've seen it at least four times at different funerals. But the first time I saw it was at Luke's. The poem is written from the deceased person's point of view, basically asking all loved ones to take a moment to mourn but ultimately move on with their lives and let them go.  I remember reading it and thinking, How could I possibly let you go and move on? How could you even ask me to do that?I was so hurt by his death that even now, I have a hard time even writing this. All I could think about was that my brother, my first love, was gone forever and I would never see him again. I didn't think life was even possible after his death, I tore up the pamphlet, angered, hurt and confused. Why would he want us to forget him? How could he even ask me to try? I sat down on a dirt hill and put my knees to my chin and cried. Dan, a friend of my dad's and Luke's best friend sat down next to me. "Katelyn, it's going to be okay." I looked up at him, I could see the tear trails down his cheek, he was wearing sunglasses but I knew he had been crying. "How can it be okay? He's gone! And that poem is stupid! Why would he want us to forget him?!" Dan smiled and wrapped his arm around me, I laid my head on his shoulder and continued to sob. He lowered his head so his forehead was against mine. "Because he loves us, he wants us to remember him but to be happy about it. He doesn't want to see us cry. I'm sure his heart is breaking watching you now. Katelyn, Luke wants you to go on and live your life like you normally would, he wants to see you happy." Of course that made me sob more.  Dan stood and grabbed my hand, pulling me upwards into his arms. I let him hold me while I cried, I still remember how he smiled like smoke and leather mixed with cologne. He cradled my head with his hand and rubbed my back, while swaying slightly and I could feel his tears on my hair. To this day when I hug him I remember that moment, it's bittersweet. It was honestly the one time I ever let anyone actually hold me, I think now when someone holds me that scene replays and its hard for me. 

  So because of that I am a firm believer on if you love someone, you'll let them go if they need you to. It's hard, oh god is it hard. But when your loved one asks you to do it you will. Hopefully the only time you have to let someone go it's in death but as I have learned that is not always the case. 

 I think about Luke all the time, almost every day. I learned so much from him in life and in death. He was my first love and loss and because of him I know I am a stronger person. I'll always love him, but yes, I did let him go. 

What I Cannot Change

I heard a song on the radio today, apparently it's been out for a while but I don't listen to the radio very often. It spoke to me, I like it, it goes with what I am trying so hard to do. 

Again someone else has written my song, what else is new? 

"What I Cannot Change" 

Darrell Brown & LeAnn Rimes

I know what makes me comfortable

I know what makes me tick
And when I need to get my way I know how to pour it on thick
Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I awake
I face the day and pray to God I won't make the same mistakes
Oh the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

I don't know my Father
Or my Mother well enough
Seems like every time we talk we can't get past the little stuff
The pain is self inflicted
I know it's not good for my health
But it's easier to please the world than it is to please myself
Oh the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

Right now I can't care about how everyone else will feel
I have enough hurt of my own to heal

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

Just in case...

Just in case you were wondering, I'm fine. 

This happens a lot, I'll get over it.

If I do leave though, I promise you'll know where I'm going. 

:-)  

The time has come...

Uh oh,

It's coming, I can feel it. 

The itching is here, I stare at the windows more now. 

Shall I disappear? 

I have a couple more weeks before I would be able to leave. 

Can I really wait that long? 

Maybe it will go away by then, probably not. 

The urge to run is back, I always want to run. 

I was was working out today, running on the treadmill. 

I ran for 20 minutes straight,

my side ached and my legs felt like they wanted to give out. 

I looked into the mirror in front of me and realized I was crying. 

I stopped, I looked at myself closely and cursed out loud. 

What's wrong with me? 

Let's just say it's girly emotions shall we? 

I hear you

I knew it. 

Things were going so smoothly. 

Foolish am I, to think that God would let me live in this comfort zone. 

Thank goodness that church on Sunday was all about asking God to interrupt you, and interrupt he did...

  10:08 pm 

I am sitting on my couch cross legged in the dark, listening. 

My phone rings, I grab to answer but something tells me to look at the number. 

I choke, it's a number that is not entered in my phone, but I know it. 

I know it all too well. 

I freeze, unable to bring myself to click that button to answer, but I can't hang up either. 

I stare as my mind flings itself into a fury of thoughts, scenarios, and questions. 

The beep of my phone telling me that I have a voicemail snaps me back to now. 

I take a deep breath and call my voicemail. 

I enter my pin number slowly trying to remember to breathe. 

I brace myself and listen. 

"Hey, it's been a while. I thought about you today, I heard that song. You know the one you used to sing, that one about "Holding You" so I thought I'd call. Call me, but I'll understand if you don't. I want us to be friends Katelyn, can we please just be friends? Okay, bye." 

I let out the breath I had been holding in. 

I want to scream.

I want to cry. 

But nothing comes, nothing. 

My mind races, why now? Why this moment?

My defense goes up again, I'm guarded.

But is it really him? Or is it God?  

I decide it's God reminding me that at any moment the tables can turn and the balance be whacked. 

I thank God for reminding that living dangerously is NOT living comfortably.

I almost forget about the call entirely, but a song comes on my Ipod and I am lost again. 

He gets to me, I don't know why, I have worked so hard to make sure that doesn't happen. 

So I have to ask myself, am I ready to be friends? 

I thought it was over, I was done. 

Can I be his friend? 

No, no way. 

I had to let go. 

He has to as well. 

The song on my Ipod was my answer. 

"Goodbye my almost lover. Goodbye my hopeless dream. I'm trying not to think about you, why can't you just let me be? 

So long my luckless romance, my back is turned on you. Should've know you'd bring me heartache, almost lovers always do." 

Again I am reminded, if I was meant to be with him I would be. If I was meant to be there I would be. 

But I'm not. 

I erase the message and smile. 

I feel a pang in my heart, it reminds me at least that I feel. 

It's going to be okay. 

I set my phone down and pray for him to let me go. 

God has a way of making sure I'm listening. 

I am. 

Why?

 Okay, 

    So I have a fascination with all things having to do with killers. Serial killers, People who commit massacres all of that. I used to want to go into prisons and work with people who committed those random acts of violence and try to find out what it is that drives a person to "snap". I mean come on we've all had that time where we've thought "Wow, I really wish I had a gun so I could just go nuts on this person or people". Now most of us never act on the impulses but what about the people who do? What happened? If you talk to the friends, family or coworkers of people who committed such crimes you'll hardly ever hear "Yeah, they were weird. We all knew it was just a matter of time." No, usually they say something like this. "(blank) seemed normal and friendly we never saw this coming." They can't all be mental health issues, yes some are, but most of the time the killers never had a record of mental instability. So why? Why do some people just "snap"? Is there really a breaking point in the human psyche where all rational thought is tossed out the window and your driven only by animal instinct? 

  Most people when they hear about a tragedy, like for instance that story in the news recently where a man shot his wife, two children and then himself, they tend to think "that's too bad" or "How disgusting what a coward" or whatever. My first thought is, "How did he get there?" How did he reach the point where his only thought was, "I have to kill my family and then myself, that's the only way everything can work." How does a person reach such a low point that all they can think about is to harm themselves and others. But my main question is why? Why are they different? Lost of people have reached the lowest of lows and never pulled a gun on anyone. So why is it these people do? Was it how they were raised? Is it some sort of violence gene that gets passed down? Did they eat something that when its mixed with anger it turns violent? What the heck happens? I don't believe its evil, I don't think that evil just got to that person. I think its something more, I think its something that we may even be able to pin point at an early stage. 

  Like when you were in elementary school, did you have the "weird" kid? Did you and your friends ever say to each other "He/she is going to prison someday." At my school we had a kid like that, he used to pick up bugs and pull their legs off one by one and laugh. Obviously people like are not mentally healthy, but did you ever stop to wonder maybe the little blonde haired, blue eyed boy who everyone loves is really the one to worry about? You just never know who could possibly have violent tendencies. But again, why? WHY do they have those violent tendencies? 

I've just always wanted to know. 

Passion = Decision

It's said that true passion is intoxicating, invigorating, soothing and sensuous, mysterious and magical. Wow and to think most people don't have a true passion for anything. They're missing out! It's funny, I didn't find my passion until I was in the 3rd grade. I didn't know singing was a talent, I didn't even know I could sing. I just used to follow my grandma around the house singing along with whatever hymn or Shirley Temple tune she was singing. Most people don't know this but my mom can sing. She prefers not to because she says she sounds like my grandma (she kind of does) but both of them have great voices. When I was a baby my mom used to play me the guitar and sing Simon and Garfunkel songs and this one song about Winnie the Pooh. (It wasn't the Winnie the Pooh theme song, it was an actual song about Winnie the Pooh). And my aunt from Alaska used to sing me "Blueberry Hill" all the time. So I thought singing was something everyone could do. I didn't know I had a talent until my 3rd grade teacher was holding auditions for this play all the 3rd grade classes were doing. I got up in front of my class and sang the short piece of music that they gave me. When I finished everyone was just staring at me. I thought I did something wrong so I quickly sat down, she looked at me and said these exact words, "Where did you learn to sing like that?" I looked her and said "It just comes out like that." She laughed, anyway I still didn't get the part (ha ha not much has changed) but I played the teacher and it was fun. That was the real beginning of my music career I guess. For a long time though I thought basketball was my passion, I was wrong.  I'm not doing much to follow my passion right now, which upsets me, but I have a feeling I'm supposed to wait for something. I stopped trying to argue with these let's call them "hunches", cause usually I find myself at the right place at the right time. 

   I guess what I'm getting at is that you should follow your passion your dream. Maybe it won't come true but it will lead you down the right path to get to where it is your supposed to be. I hate where I am but I'm not arguing because I know there's a reason. There's always a reason, go ahead try to change it but ultimately God will bitch slap you down the path he wants you to follow. 

 Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision it eats at me most days. I just remind myself though that of course I made the right decision, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't. I would be there, my heart, God, would have lead me there. At night when I sit in the dark with my candles I think about what would happen if I drove there, got out of the car and pretended like nothing happened and went on to live my life with him. But I remember that if it was meant to be things would have been easier, that decision would have been a natural one. My heart wasn't in it though when he asked me, and honestly it's still not. So I go on and live this life here, it's where God wants me, and as long as that's true I'll be happy. Sure, my mind will still wonder to that place but I'll take a deep breath maybe shed some tears but I know deep down I did what I was supposed to do. 

So I started with passion and ended with decisions, I guess the moral of this story is. Follow your passion, and it will lead you to make the right decisions. 

I live this life,

 ~Kat