Breakeven

I can't do it anymore. 

I just can't. 

Having to listen all about your new life while I'm left here in the dust. 

Feeling...

insignificant, left behind, hurt, and stupid. 

I'm sorry, I really don't want to hurt you, and who knows if my absence will even make a difference? Maybe you won't even feel anything when I tell you. When I look you in the eye and finally say the words to set me free. 

"I just can't do this anymore." 

Then I'll leave, it's what I'm good at. 

Anyway, 

I'm sorry, 

but I'm out. 

This Week

I had a super awesome week. It was good because I really needed it, after the last couple weeks I just needed some time with some awesome people to make things feel normal again. Monday and Tuesday were pretty slow, but good. Got tan, read some books, did laundry. You know good stuff. Wednesday Ashlee and I went to sushi which of course was SO GOOD! Then Thursday we went to Sea World and had an AMAZING time. We got tattoos, freed animals, laughed at people getting drunk in line, wore sexy ponchos and spent time with a cool family. We got passes so we can live there this summer! EXCITING! :-) Then Improv class which is always great. During class I got a phone call from Brodie Kaster which was exciting because I hadn't talked to him in FOREVER and I really miss him. He's coming to my show! I am so stoked! Friday was good, Ash and I went shopping for hoedown outfits, we both got perfect ones! Then I had rehearsal which was good, I got to see my dress and it's GORGEOUS! I look so pretty for once! LoL, I had to learn the ballroom dance which sucked because we had to do it 10 billion times. After rehearsal I took my sister food, she was dying and needed me to take care of her. Which I was more than happy to do because she always takes care of me. So I brought her food and we watched a movie, you know sister time. Saturday I had to get up early for rehearsal, ugh, it was a good rehearsal though we got a lot done. Then I ran some errands with my mom. Came home to get ready for the hoedown with Ash, Ashley Jones and my new friend Jon White (LOVE him!) I was asked to bring a bail of hay to the shindig because you know, I'm all ranchy and what not. I also brought a steer head and some ropes. Then because I had my laptop full of country music I somehow turned into the DJ, as well as dance instructor, Ashlee and I taught everyone how to do the "Hoedown Throwdown" dance then I also got wrangled into teaching everyone how to rope. I was SO exhausted, for some reason EVERYONE and their mom (literally) wanted to learn how to throw the rope. Then in the parking lot I got to show off a little by using my expert heeler skills and rope both John Power and Taylor Wuthridge's feet while they were walking. (Oh yeah, I'm pro skill, I might start rodeoing again. Who knows?) John Power was actually quite good with the rope. He could throw it really well, that kid is so talented it kills me. My back hurts because I kept having to bend down to help the little kids with rope, and I got hit at least 10 times, but hey everyone really loved it so its all good :-). After the hoedown even though I was ready to pass out, I went to In - n - Out with Ashlee, Ashley Jones, Jon White, Collin Arnold, The Gillcrests, Taylor Wuthridge, The Sonnikson sisters & Loxie Gant. Pretty much the greatest time EVER! We got some super great pictures! Anyway it was just awesome and I love my CYT friends, they are seriously the most awesome people and I really needed that night out with them. It was SO GREAT! So yep tommorrow I have church and rehearsal, then I'll probably go to my parent's house. I'm freaking out a little bit because next Saturday is Super Saturday and then TECH WEEK! So CRAZY! I'm excited to though. :-) It's going to be great, I know it! 

I'm working on it.

So I've started reading this book called Thirteen Reasons Why it's about a girl who kills herself and leaves behind 7 tapes, to be passed down between these 13 people, with 13 reasons why she decided to end her life. Each tape has a different story involving a different person and how each person had something to do with the next one that creates this huge web of horrible events that shaped this girl's life and the end of it. The narrator is this guy who doesn't even know why he received the tapes because he didn't do anything to this girl but he decides to listen to the tapes and see why she chose him to be on the list. I don't know why either I haven't gotten that far. But it's just interesting to see how each person lead to the next horrible thing to happen to her. It definitely makes you wonder how you affect people. Are you putting out a positive ripple or are you making someones life hell right now without even knowing it. Maybe you said something horrible about that person, not even to their face but someone else overheard and repeated it. Without even consciencely knowing it, you just affected someones impression of another, which can snowball. Weird right? It just gives you something to think about it.

 As most of you know or realized I've been going through a spell of depression. It has nothing to do with anything that has happened, no one said anything about me it was a mixture of things and I've just started to feel... well... worthless. I don't want to sound insecure but I started to feel like no one needed me. That my job here was done, that everyone around me found there place and had everything they needed to get through. I just wasn't one of those things. Then some other things occurred to me and I just started to feel depressed. I'm working through it though, I'm on the uphill. I just pray for strength, for sight, for me to be able to make through just one more day. So far so good. Music has played a HUGE part though, thank GOD for music. I have a playlist that I've been listening to, I play it at night and I fall asleep to it. It allows me to focus, to remember, to be...

THE playlist:

Like a Woman - Jamie O'Neal 

Here Comes Goodbye - Rascal Flatts 

I Told You So - Carrie Underwood 

Cry - Kelly Clarkson

The Climb - Miley Cyrus 

Don't Do Sadness/Blue Wind - Jr. John Gallagher & Lauren Pritchard 

Will I - RENT soundtrack 

Confessions of a Broken Heart - Lindsay Lohan 

Like We Never Loved At All (acoustic) - John Rich 

Don't Wanna Cry - Pete Yorn 

I Will Always Love You - Dolly Parton

( if you listen to this song, it's about leaving someone) 

Goodbye Love - RENT Soundtrack 

Man in the Mirror - Big & Rich 

Sober - Kelly Clarkson 

Free - Gavin DeGraw 

Hometown Glory - ADELE 

More Like Her - Miranda Lambert 

Don't You Dare - Alexz Johnson 

Wild Ponies - Kellie Pickler 

If You Don't Wanna Love Me (I'll find somebody else who will) - Cowboy Troy & Sarah Buxton 

Lost - Anouk 

Life Support - RENT soundtrack 

Once When I Was Little - James Morrison 

What Hurts the Most - Rascal Flatts 

Eternity - Big & Rich 

I Don't Know if I Should Stay - Alexz Johnson 

Each song has meaning or reminds me of a time that I can reflect on. Somethings I have been avoiding and these songs help me face them and really, truly think about my issues with certain things. Some songs though just help me remember a tough time in my life that I am trying so hard not fall back into. 

Thank You to those of you who have been SO supportive. I promise I'll be 100% soon. Me & God are working through this. 

Philippians 4:13 

Here Comes Goodbye

Here comes goodbye. 

Here comes the last time.

Here comes the start of every sleepless night, the first of every tear I'm gonna cry. 

Here comes the pain. 

Here comes me, wishing things had never changed, and you were right here in my arms tonight. 

But here comes goodbye. 

Good song. 

The End. 

Here you go.

I tried, I failed. 

So as I try to pull it all back in and move on, well its sucking BIG TIME. 

Whatevs, Let It Be. 

My weekend:

Friday:

I went to the Tom Sawyer parent meeting on, I'm going to be doing makeup, which is awesome because it means I get to hang out for tech week and the run of their show. It will be like I never left! I'm really excited to still be involved with Ash's last show. After the meeting Ashlee, Riley and I went to sushi and then went and saw "I Love You Man" it was funny. I really enjoyed be able to hang out with them together. :-) I was texting Ian while Ashlee was because I was pretending to be annoyed with him texting her during the movie, anyway we had a lil war. He won, only because I was off my game. Anyway later he told Ashlee he could see me being a lesbian. That really hurt my feelings because apparently a lot of people get a lesbo vibe from me just because I am not "girly" enough and I don't talk about boys all the time. Which I think is SO DUMB! Just because I'm not worrying 24/7 about the fact that I'm single and I don't wear makeup when I go out or wear cute little outfits, all the sudden I'm a lesbian? WTF?! I hate being labeled! But maybe I should change how I look and maybe I should start worrying about never meeting a man...

Saturday: 

I had rehearsal. It was fun, Patrick Gates is hysterical. Then I ended up taking my little cousin to Ceramic Cafe. I made a really cool vase and he painted a dragon, castle, thing. It's always really awkward hanging out with him, we have like nothing to talk about. I try to ask him questions about his life but he really doesn't have one. The kid has no friends, well he does, but not ones who would hang out with him outside of school. He doesn't have any hobbies besides video games, which isn't really his fault because he's like allergic to everything. Anyway we hung out and it wasn't horrible just awkward, we went to lunch then to Ceramic Cafe then I took him for some ice cream. It was cool, after that I took him home. I tried to hang out with my mom since I don't get to spend Sunday's with her anymore because of rehearsal but my Dad showed up... he ruins everything. I ended up getting a horrible headache that made me sick so I had to go home. I almost wrecked because the headlights of cars were bothering me so much. It made me cry it hurt so bad, I came home and went straight to bed. 

Sunday: 

I woke up this morning and went to church it was good, we're preparing for Holy Week. I am super siked my goal is to get Torrey to come to church for Easter, she WILL be coming! My angle is to remind her that Mary Kay was a christian, and Efrain already said he'd come. So yeah. Anyway then I had rehearsal, it went really well we actually got a bunch done. Katie said I was doing an amazing job, it was really nice to hear. Then I went to dinner with My mom, dad, my sister and her friend Desiree. It was cool, Torrey started ranting about how I should join Mary Kay again, I just nodded and ignored her. I've already told her like 12 times that I'm not interested. My dad somehow made every conversation about him, by asking random questions right in the middle of mine, Torrey's or my mother's stories. He is such a crack head. I almost punched him in the face like several times, I kind of wanted to just to see what would happen. I restrained myself though and chatted with Desiree, I like Dez she's really cool. It's funny because she is the polar opposite of my sister but they are like best friends. After dinner we all went our separate ways. Torrey invited me to go to her house and hang out with her and Dez, but I just wanted to be alone. Anyway, now I'm home and doing laundry. 

I hate my life, I really do. 

"Doing all I can to make things better, everything I can to get things right. Baby when you're with me it's a little more like heaven, here in my mind, here in my mind.

    I've been looking for so long to find this place I seek, and I just got to believe it's more than dream. Seems it's time I should move on but I hope you come with me, till we find eternity

    You just can't let this ol' world get us down, there's too much beauty in this life. It should be so perfect, we shouldn't know we made it to the other side, when we make it to the other side.

   I've been looking for so long to find this place I seek, and I just got to believe it's more than a dream. Seems it's time I should move on but I hope you come with me, till we find eternity."

      - John Rich & Kenny Alphin

I love this song. It's helping me get through the days, I know someday I'll find my eternity, one way or another. 

I don't like it.

Ever since THE INCIDENT I have tried so hard to keep everyone I love at arms distance. Then why have I let someone hurt me so bad again? Mostly I think I am angry with myself for being so stupid, so trusting, so loving. I blame me, the thing I hate most is feeling. I hate not being numb to the outside world, this one cut me deep enough to sting. The really sad thing is, I let it happen. I've had so many opportunities to turn away and leave it behind. But I'll never be able to fully turn my back on someone, cut all ties, because I've been there. I'll never put anyone through the pain I went through. So I have to just take it, I've come to expect it now which makes it somewhat easier but I still wince when it happens. Again I blame me, I hate myself for letting someone get so close. It makes me think twice about certain things I've done, if someone who has been my close friend for 10 yrs can do this...what is there to say about those who haven't? I hate thinking that way and I know everyone is different but it makes me wonder. I hate doubt, I hate it. I hate weakness too, I should really just cowboy up and deal with it, swallow everything and get on. I hate myself, but yet until the words are said, here I stay taking the hits.