Curse or Blessing?

Curse or blessing?

This is crazy, eating is almost impossible, If I eat before 11 am or after 3pm chances are its coming back up. Grrrrrrrrrr, I think I'm stressing too much about too many things. I'm having a hard time with some things but I just need to let it go and give it to God. I can do this, I gotta get through this. 

That reminds me...

If only I can get through this

If only I can get through this
If only I can get through this

God, God, you gotta help me get through this

I gotta get through this

I gotta get through this
I gotta make it, gotta make it, gotta make it through
Said I'm gonna get through this
Im gonna get through this
I gotta take, take my mind off you

LoL I couldn't resist ;-) 

P.S. Please don't worry, I'm fine, I promise :-) 

Uh oh

I haven't slept a full night in almost 2 weeks, I'm sitting here shivering and its 70 degrees in my apartment and I have socks, a thermal shirt and sweats on. I also have "tossed my cookies" at least 3 times since I got home, and at least 9 days out of the 2 weeks. Yep ladies and gentlemen I give you, me, trying to deal with something... the question is what is my problem now? I thought I dealt with it. What the hell? 

The funny thing about forgiveness.

So yesterday was Valentines Day, I sent a massive txt to all my friends and I immediately get one back. It's Ashton, "Yeah, Eff Valentines Day, we should have a Kat and Ashton day!" I sent him one back and said "We should!". We have plans for sometime next week, I went on with my day at rehearsal and while on stage it hit me. Wait a minute, shouldn't I dislike him? I did, for a really long time, but I forgave him. But why? He thoroughly messed up my life, I'm still trying to recover from being what I call "gun shy". Because of him I tend to have a "I'm going to F* this up at some point so I might as well jump ship now" attitude. But is that really his fault? Or is it mine? I began to think, maybe I'm weak. I'm a weak person, even after the hell I went through I still let him back into my life. Granted, I keep him at arms distance, and I only see him maybe once every two months, still I call him a friend again. Really Katelyn? Really? 

But then I came to this realization. 

  Yeah, I'm weak, I'm a forgiver, a lover. Whatever you want to call it, that's what I am. So what? I would rather let people hurt me then spend my life afraid of everybody. Now, for me that is WAY easier said then done. It may take like 5-10 years but I promise to work on it, or not, we'll see ;-) 

It's funny...

I went home today, I was worried about my little cousin and my uncle. Both of them had to go to the emergency room this week. 

  My uncle got so dehydrated that he didn't know where he was and was so delirious it took my mom, my aunts Nat and Val and my uncle Eric to convince/help him get in the car. 

  Sierra thought she was Evil Knieval on a snowboard, she just severely sprained her ankle.       Anyway I went home to make sure everyone was still alive and to visit the corgis (I miss them).

Everyone is fine, I sat and watched "Iron Chef" with my uncle Jeff, it still cracks me up that he loves that show. 

   Sierra was happy to see me because she can't lift her arms and was desperate for someone to do her hair. 

Then I played some games with Dustin, and did "The Time Warp" with him like 20 times. He loves that dance. We also found some of Sierra's hair extensions in the dress up box, I made Dustin into Britney Spears and we sang "Hit Me Baby One More Time" through tears from laughter. 

   I put one of the extensions in my hair and decided maybe I should do a blonde streak next I get my hair done.  

  It's always fun being the cool older cousin, Sierra got to gossip with me about her friends and I helped Dustin pick out his outfit for school tomorrow (apparently there's a new girl at school who's kinda cute). I love my cousins, and they look up to me, so it made me realize that I have to succeed and do something with my life. If not for me, at least for them.  

Today was good, I love my family, and it's so great to have them. 

  

If You Love Someone...

The hardest part of loving someone is often times you end up suffering imaginable heartbreak because you love them. 

When Luke died there was a poem they printed on his memorial pamphlet. It was called "Miss Me, but Let Me Go." No one knows who wrote it, and it's actually a very popular poem that they use. I've seen it at least four times at different funerals. But the first time I saw it was at Luke's. The poem is written from the deceased person's point of view, basically asking all loved ones to take a moment to mourn but ultimately move on with their lives and let them go.  I remember reading it and thinking, How could I possibly let you go and move on? How could you even ask me to do that?I was so hurt by his death that even now, I have a hard time even writing this. All I could think about was that my brother, my first love, was gone forever and I would never see him again. I didn't think life was even possible after his death, I tore up the pamphlet, angered, hurt and confused. Why would he want us to forget him? How could he even ask me to try? I sat down on a dirt hill and put my knees to my chin and cried. Dan, a friend of my dad's and Luke's best friend sat down next to me. "Katelyn, it's going to be okay." I looked up at him, I could see the tear trails down his cheek, he was wearing sunglasses but I knew he had been crying. "How can it be okay? He's gone! And that poem is stupid! Why would he want us to forget him?!" Dan smiled and wrapped his arm around me, I laid my head on his shoulder and continued to sob. He lowered his head so his forehead was against mine. "Because he loves us, he wants us to remember him but to be happy about it. He doesn't want to see us cry. I'm sure his heart is breaking watching you now. Katelyn, Luke wants you to go on and live your life like you normally would, he wants to see you happy." Of course that made me sob more.  Dan stood and grabbed my hand, pulling me upwards into his arms. I let him hold me while I cried, I still remember how he smiled like smoke and leather mixed with cologne. He cradled my head with his hand and rubbed my back, while swaying slightly and I could feel his tears on my hair. To this day when I hug him I remember that moment, it's bittersweet. It was honestly the one time I ever let anyone actually hold me, I think now when someone holds me that scene replays and its hard for me. 

  So because of that I am a firm believer on if you love someone, you'll let them go if they need you to. It's hard, oh god is it hard. But when your loved one asks you to do it you will. Hopefully the only time you have to let someone go it's in death but as I have learned that is not always the case. 

 I think about Luke all the time, almost every day. I learned so much from him in life and in death. He was my first love and loss and because of him I know I am a stronger person. I'll always love him, but yes, I did let him go. 

What I Cannot Change

I heard a song on the radio today, apparently it's been out for a while but I don't listen to the radio very often. It spoke to me, I like it, it goes with what I am trying so hard to do. 

Again someone else has written my song, what else is new? 

"What I Cannot Change" 

Darrell Brown & LeAnn Rimes

I know what makes me comfortable

I know what makes me tick
And when I need to get my way I know how to pour it on thick
Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I awake
I face the day and pray to God I won't make the same mistakes
Oh the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

I don't know my Father
Or my Mother well enough
Seems like every time we talk we can't get past the little stuff
The pain is self inflicted
I know it's not good for my health
But it's easier to please the world than it is to please myself
Oh the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

Right now I can't care about how everyone else will feel
I have enough hurt of my own to heal

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

Just in case...

Just in case you were wondering, I'm fine. 

This happens a lot, I'll get over it.

If I do leave though, I promise you'll know where I'm going. 

:-)  

The time has come...

Uh oh,

It's coming, I can feel it. 

The itching is here, I stare at the windows more now. 

Shall I disappear? 

I have a couple more weeks before I would be able to leave. 

Can I really wait that long? 

Maybe it will go away by then, probably not. 

The urge to run is back, I always want to run. 

I was was working out today, running on the treadmill. 

I ran for 20 minutes straight,

my side ached and my legs felt like they wanted to give out. 

I looked into the mirror in front of me and realized I was crying. 

I stopped, I looked at myself closely and cursed out loud. 

What's wrong with me? 

Let's just say it's girly emotions shall we? 

I hear you

I knew it. 

Things were going so smoothly. 

Foolish am I, to think that God would let me live in this comfort zone. 

Thank goodness that church on Sunday was all about asking God to interrupt you, and interrupt he did...

  10:08 pm 

I am sitting on my couch cross legged in the dark, listening. 

My phone rings, I grab to answer but something tells me to look at the number. 

I choke, it's a number that is not entered in my phone, but I know it. 

I know it all too well. 

I freeze, unable to bring myself to click that button to answer, but I can't hang up either. 

I stare as my mind flings itself into a fury of thoughts, scenarios, and questions. 

The beep of my phone telling me that I have a voicemail snaps me back to now. 

I take a deep breath and call my voicemail. 

I enter my pin number slowly trying to remember to breathe. 

I brace myself and listen. 

"Hey, it's been a while. I thought about you today, I heard that song. You know the one you used to sing, that one about "Holding You" so I thought I'd call. Call me, but I'll understand if you don't. I want us to be friends Katelyn, can we please just be friends? Okay, bye." 

I let out the breath I had been holding in. 

I want to scream.

I want to cry. 

But nothing comes, nothing. 

My mind races, why now? Why this moment?

My defense goes up again, I'm guarded.

But is it really him? Or is it God?  

I decide it's God reminding me that at any moment the tables can turn and the balance be whacked. 

I thank God for reminding that living dangerously is NOT living comfortably.

I almost forget about the call entirely, but a song comes on my Ipod and I am lost again. 

He gets to me, I don't know why, I have worked so hard to make sure that doesn't happen. 

So I have to ask myself, am I ready to be friends? 

I thought it was over, I was done. 

Can I be his friend? 

No, no way. 

I had to let go. 

He has to as well. 

The song on my Ipod was my answer. 

"Goodbye my almost lover. Goodbye my hopeless dream. I'm trying not to think about you, why can't you just let me be? 

So long my luckless romance, my back is turned on you. Should've know you'd bring me heartache, almost lovers always do." 

Again I am reminded, if I was meant to be with him I would be. If I was meant to be there I would be. 

But I'm not. 

I erase the message and smile. 

I feel a pang in my heart, it reminds me at least that I feel. 

It's going to be okay. 

I set my phone down and pray for him to let me go. 

God has a way of making sure I'm listening. 

I am.