I hear you

I knew it. 

Things were going so smoothly. 

Foolish am I, to think that God would let me live in this comfort zone. 

Thank goodness that church on Sunday was all about asking God to interrupt you, and interrupt he did...

  10:08 pm 

I am sitting on my couch cross legged in the dark, listening. 

My phone rings, I grab to answer but something tells me to look at the number. 

I choke, it's a number that is not entered in my phone, but I know it. 

I know it all too well. 

I freeze, unable to bring myself to click that button to answer, but I can't hang up either. 

I stare as my mind flings itself into a fury of thoughts, scenarios, and questions. 

The beep of my phone telling me that I have a voicemail snaps me back to now. 

I take a deep breath and call my voicemail. 

I enter my pin number slowly trying to remember to breathe. 

I brace myself and listen. 

"Hey, it's been a while. I thought about you today, I heard that song. You know the one you used to sing, that one about "Holding You" so I thought I'd call. Call me, but I'll understand if you don't. I want us to be friends Katelyn, can we please just be friends? Okay, bye." 

I let out the breath I had been holding in. 

I want to scream.

I want to cry. 

But nothing comes, nothing. 

My mind races, why now? Why this moment?

My defense goes up again, I'm guarded.

But is it really him? Or is it God?  

I decide it's God reminding me that at any moment the tables can turn and the balance be whacked. 

I thank God for reminding that living dangerously is NOT living comfortably.

I almost forget about the call entirely, but a song comes on my Ipod and I am lost again. 

He gets to me, I don't know why, I have worked so hard to make sure that doesn't happen. 

So I have to ask myself, am I ready to be friends? 

I thought it was over, I was done. 

Can I be his friend? 

No, no way. 

I had to let go. 

He has to as well. 

The song on my Ipod was my answer. 

"Goodbye my almost lover. Goodbye my hopeless dream. I'm trying not to think about you, why can't you just let me be? 

So long my luckless romance, my back is turned on you. Should've know you'd bring me heartache, almost lovers always do." 

Again I am reminded, if I was meant to be with him I would be. If I was meant to be there I would be. 

But I'm not. 

I erase the message and smile. 

I feel a pang in my heart, it reminds me at least that I feel. 

It's going to be okay. 

I set my phone down and pray for him to let me go. 

God has a way of making sure I'm listening. 

I am.