I don't like it.

Ever since THE INCIDENT I have tried so hard to keep everyone I love at arms distance. Then why have I let someone hurt me so bad again? Mostly I think I am angry with myself for being so stupid, so trusting, so loving. I blame me, the thing I hate most is feeling. I hate not being numb to the outside world, this one cut me deep enough to sting. The really sad thing is, I let it happen. I've had so many opportunities to turn away and leave it behind. But I'll never be able to fully turn my back on someone, cut all ties, because I've been there. I'll never put anyone through the pain I went through. So I have to just take it, I've come to expect it now which makes it somewhat easier but I still wince when it happens. Again I blame me, I hate myself for letting someone get so close. It makes me think twice about certain things I've done, if someone who has been my close friend for 10 yrs can do this...what is there to say about those who haven't? I hate thinking that way and I know everyone is different but it makes me wonder. I hate doubt, I hate it. I hate weakness too, I should really just cowboy up and deal with it, swallow everything and get on. I hate myself, but yet until the words are said, here I stay taking the hits.